The fever for the sublime - part 2 of 2
This story is co-authored by Kaja & Piotr. An interconnected weave of ordeals, a blended stream of thoughts, and hopefully some coherent conclusions. Some of them Kaja’s & some of them Piotr’s.
A shared experience of the divine and sometimes not so divine.
Join us for a second.
Can the fever burn us up?
We’ve lost count of the number of spiritual techniques that we have been through. An endless caleidoscope of breath techniques, countless, introductory and not so introductory meditation methods, a slew of psychosomatically tension releasing methods. We’ve calibrated and fine tuned the energy of our chakra systems. We’ve cleansed our subtle bodies in countless ways, we’ve gone deep down into regressing sessions, so deep it must have felt like we would never come out back again.
All this in search for the Truth.
All this, driven by something which contorted our bodies, wrenched at our closed hearts, twisted our guts, yearned to connect back.
Back to its original form.
How can this fever manifest? What can it do to us? Can something as pure as the need for unconditional love, for the Truth, lead to desctructive behaviour? What are the inherent dangers of a forced practice? Both for ourselves and for the people around us.
Can something as graceful as spiritual practice become the path to our undoing? And if so, then what are the mechanisms, the root cause behind this behaviour?
The Kundalini flooding
Our common search and revelations have amounted to almost four decades of zigzaging experiments. Looking back at the past, it’s a wonder we are still here to tell about it, and do it in a somewhat coherent manner.
That we haven’t gone batshit loonietunes, ended up in some asylum.
And that somewhere along the way, we didn’t light up like a torch, fulfilling a full Kundalini raising, but not from the heart, as it is supposed to commence, but from the root chakra. A painful and surefire way to a complete psychosis.
We promised to talk about the inherent dangers of a forced pratice. Kundalini is at the center of this. If there are any dangers associated with the practice, that is it.
There is a lot of talk about Kundalini, good and bad, but too little awareness how dangerous a forced root-chakra Kundalini rising can be. There is also way too little consciousness about the two kinds of Kundalini forces latent in our bodies. The root chakra and the heart Kundalini. One of them leads them leads to the utter bliss of the Absolute, and the other to self-inflicted hell.
The human energetic system is so deeply self-aware, able to regulate itself on its own. But when you shove too much practice into it, matters can get unwieldy.
Our Kundalini risings have led to countless complications, both physical and mental. When you supercharge your energy system, by sticking your greedy little fingers into a super high-voltage power line called mother Universe, there is no way around it.
It leads to insurmountable suffering.
Debilitating and life destroying are way too soft of words.
“I’m certain that kindness, gratitude, gentleness – offered to oneself and others, are those values that carry our strayed personality – into the cleanest area of our essence.” – Kaja Kochańąska
The dark night of the soul
There is a lot of talk about the dark night of the soul. Countless spiritual traditions have described them. And each account is wildly different.
We both have experienced amazingly strange inner sensations and phenomena. But when these carried over into the external reality, that’s when we began to doubt our sanity.
When meditation and focus put out the light bulbs in our apartment. Or when the nights were flooded with acid-like states, only this was without any drugs. Caused solely by the Kundalini surging through our energetic system. At that time, an hour of sleep seemed like a blessing. No eating or sleeping, sometimes for a week or two.
It sure as hell didn’t feel normal. But how do you explain this to a doctor? How do you describe activity which would be most fitting for some kind of paranormal movie?
So the only thing was to hold onto our lucidity, and keep telling us, this will pass. This is transitory. This is nothing to get attached to. Not good, not bad. And certainly do not fire up our own egos by believing we were becoming some kind of saints.
The greatest delusion of them all.
We were lucky. We survived and managed to lift that unwieldy energy to the heart. To tone down the raw and dirty electrical current from the root chakra, by the softness and silence of the heart.
The only way you can survive the dark night of the soul.
Only this dark night wasn’t a night. It lasted a mere decade.
“The crux of inner exploration (of the spritual path) reveals itself when you stop looking outward and begin to trust what is in our heart. The latent Divine Spark begins to vibrate and wake up our whole existence into a new form of existence. The entrance into this high vibratory state is accompanied by a permeating silence, an assurance that in there, there is absolutely everything you would ever need.” – Kaja Kochańska
The inner battle
We started this story with a basic question, how can something so pure and innocent as spiritual practice cause so much suffering? Can we avoid it? Or lessen the pain?
When this hell blasted through our bodies, we had no idea what was going on. That was the true test. In afterthought, it is a little bit easier to offer some kind of insight into this. Even to crack a joke or two.
We belive a part of the key lies in understanding that at any given moment there are always two of us inside us. The ego and the Other. In a highly fluid, never-ending process, they interact, push and pull. Once the ego grasps charge and the next instant, it recedes enough to allow our heart to speak. The Other to come forth.
Awareness of this is essential, that the ego never quite recedes, and certainly is never destroyed. Rather it lurks inside us, not good or bad, but still able to get us into trouble, including too much spiritual practice. Watching this unfold, that’s part of the everyday mindfullness.
Two decades ago, despite our inherent need to reach for the Absolute, things got sour. Not because the intention was ill conceived or the need was wrong. But maybe because we wanted too much, too quickly. Too forced.
Or maybe we just wanted all the good stuff for all the wrong reasons. Our egos too enamoured with the idea of spirituality.
“No breathing technique, no posture, no mudra, no holy song, no sacrifice, no gift, or any other holy action will ever bring us closer to the Divine Consiousness – unless we allow ourselves to recede and the Spirit to grow.” – Kaja Kochańska
So what has changed since then?
There is still unemptied anger, frustration, emotions which haven’t run their full course. Maybe some never will in this life time. That is and will be a part of the process. There are still manipulations of the ego, inner and outer. There is still the spewing out of all sorts of garbage.
However, this time it happens with a little bit less drama, and a grain more consciousness. It also happens with ever more calmness of the observer. A distanced spectator which has all the time in the world. A watchful eye which, with the help of the Light, grows ever more prevalent, giving us the ability to be more focused on the present. On lessening the damage which the ego can inflict on ourselves and the others.
There is and will be the push and pull between those two parts. The ego will take hold once again, play out its countless mirage-like theater plays. But the proportions slowly exchange places. Allowing the Other to grow. Fired up by the ever growing Kundalini. Yet this time, the Kundalini of the heart.
And if you aren’t paying attention, you might miss it. This process. It happens almost imperceptebly. Like miniscule drops dripping from the faucet. A drop a week might even be a mouthful.
But it is all there, and each one of them flows our essence back into the surging fire of the Higher Intelligence. A constant change, a driving movement forward, however much our ego would wish to stop it.
Years and years. Decades. A lifetime. Many lifetimes. A thousand of lifetimes? That’s what it might take for the drops to flow back into completeness. To reach that kind of vibration.
But eventually, they will. To never incarnate back again.
We so wish that for you.